


Don't Beat Yourself Up

by love_write_edit_sleep



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Blood, Cutting, Logan hit himself in the nostalgia video which in turn created this shit, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Unintentional Near Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-15 03:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14151330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_write_edit_sleep/pseuds/love_write_edit_sleep
Summary: Logan hits himself when he gets things wrong. Sometimes he punches a wall, or tugs his hair, or something that would cause just enough pain to distract him from his yucky-icky emotions. Until the 'infinitesimal' mistake.That mistake caused an experiment: Did physical pain and emotional pain have a connection? Logan finds out, then things go horribly wrong.





	Don't Beat Yourself Up

**Author's Note:**

> [Vent fic] So… I noticed in the Nostalgia video, Logan hits himself in the head when he realises he failed to see the effects Patton’s room would have on Virgil. Obviously, I had to write a thing to protect him. TW: Self harm

It was habit for Logan to ‘punish’ himself for making a mistake. The occasional hit on the head, a pinch to the arm, a flick to his temple, a punch at a wall, pulling his hair, biting himself. Just small acts that wouldn’t harm him badly, but would make him feel discomfort.

When Logan realised he’d been the cause of Thomas’ lack of motivation in the ‘Lack Of Motivation’ video, he’d gone to his room and punched the wall multiple times, causing his knuckles to bleed. He patched them up and by the time the next video came around, they were fine.

Anytime he hurt himself, all evidence was gone before the next video.

When Logan realised his mistake in agreeing to Thomas and the others going to Patton’s room, he hit himself in the head. No-one saw, or if they did, they didn’t care. He repeated the action multiple times after, every time he remembered it.

When Logan realised he’d misused the word ‘Infinitesimal, his heart sank. He’d never forget ‘infinitesimal’, and nor would Patton let him forget. It was one of his biggest mistakes. Thousands of people saw him embarrassingly use the wrong word, and thousands of people were reminded of it everytime Patton mentioned it.

‘Infinitesimal’ was when things went too far.

* * *

“What is up, everybody? Man, you are in for a treat because for today’s video, I... got nothing.”

“Uh… I’m sorry, what?!”

“I don’t know, Logic… I just don’t really know what to talk about…”

“Preposterous! There’s an infinitesimal amount of things in this bizarre massive universe brimming with exciting mysteries, and you don’t really know what to talk about?”

“I didn’t look into any topics and I just kinda flew into this video without any prep…”

It wasn’t until later, after the video was posted and the sides were in their rooms, after people picked up on Logan’s mistake and commented on it, that Logan realised he’d messed up.

“Damn it!” Logan screamed, kicking over his desk chair. He suddenly swiped his desk clean of papers and books and a model solar system made of cogs and marbles. He watched as it fell to the floor, shattering upon impact, sending cogs and springs in all directions. His heart sank further.

He’d made that himself, spend months putting the cogs and springs together from scratch to enable it to work and display an accurate representation of how the universe moved.

A sharp pain brought Logan’s attention to his arms. The cogs had caught his skin as he’d wiped it off the desk, causing several scratch marks. He felt the pain lessen, the ache grow numb. Could there be a connection between physical pain and emotional pain? Could it be that… Increasing physical pain decreased emotional pain?

He decided to test his theory.

Reaching down, Logan picked up a cog and brought the jagged edge to his wrist. He thought for a moment before digging the cog into his wrist, just enough to draw blood, then repeated the action, then again, making a deeper cut each time until he had 4 neat cuts along his wrist.

So… physical pain dulled the emotional pain after all.

* * *

“Oh! He misused the word ‘infinitesimal’ last week!”

“Shut it!”

“He thought it meant really big, but it actually meant really small.”

“That was one time! How did you know what it meant?”

“I know big words!”

“Well, Morality corrected me today. Black is white, up is down, and I’m going to go re-evaluate my purpose.”

Logan sunk out, aware he was acting like Roman, and emerged in his room. He reached into his trouser pocket, fiddling with the small cog in his pocket before pulling it out.

The sharp edge was still stained with blood from the last time, when he’d first realised his mistake, and a few other times after that. It looked… what was the word Virgil used the other day… Aesthetic.

“Physical pain numbs emotional pain…” Logan whispered to himself, placing the cog to his wrist. “This is the logical solution.”

* * *

“Uhh… Is everything gucci… Thomas?”

“I suppose I could have posed the question that way as well, but that is exactly why I wanted you two here.”

“You mean us three?”

“Did I say three?”

“No…”

“Then I guess I didn’t  _ mean  _ three.”

“He’s made mistakes before…”

“An uncommon occurrence!”

“Well, then you might say the amount of mistakes you’ve made is… Infinitesimal.”

“You make one mistake! And this is what happens!”

“Time out for thee, and time out for thee, focus on issues, or focus on me.”

It had taken all of Logic’s might  _ not  _ to fall apart in Virgil’s room, so when they found Virgil and brought him back, he quickly escaped to his room where he could break down alone. He dropped to his knees and grabbed angrily at the cog, not even flinching as it dug into his palm, before dragging it across his arm angrily. Again, and again.

_ Fuck! _

Logan cried out as he felt an unbearable pain he’d never felt before and looked down. His wrist was gushing blood.

He’d cut open a vein.

“Shit…” Logan whimpered, dropping the cog and pressing his hand to the wound. Blood dripped from under his hand and onto the floor. “Shit, shit, shit…” He didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t meant to happen, this hadn’t been part of his plan. “I-In the event of… making a mistake… it is logical for one to… seek comfort and advice from friends a-and family…” Logan whispered to himself before closing his eyes and willing himself out of the mind scape.

_ “Logan? What’re you- Oh, shit, Logan! Fuck- Patton! Roman,!Virgil!” _

_ “What’s up, Kiddo?” _

_ “Yeah, rude, much?” _

_ “I was sulking, Thomas, this had better be good.” _

_ “Logan’s hurt!” _

Logan could hear the voices around him, but couldn’t place a face to each voice. He gripped his arm so tight that his knuckles were turning white, but still the blood escaped and dripped down into his palm and onto the floor.

“Look at me, look at me, that’s it!” Logan blinked as Patton lifted his chin up until Logan’s tired eyes met Patton’s tear filled ones. “It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay, I promise!”

“Here.” Virgil knelt down and pressed a wet flannel to Logan’s wrist. Logan hissed in pain but Patton lifted his head back up.

“Talk to me. Tell me about how you’re feeling.” Patton whispered, tears streaming down his face, but he ignored them, for Logan’s sake.

“I-I don’t feel-”

“Falsehood.” Roman’s voice broke as he knelt besides Patton. “Tell us how you’re feeling.”

“S-scared…” Logan confessed. “Ashamed, confused… remorseful… I-I…”

“Shh, don’t be scared, Lo…” Patton whispered, brushing Logan’s sweaty hair from his eyes. He carefully took Logan’s hands in his, surprised when he felt them trembling.

“And you mustn’t be ashamed of your battle wounds.” Roman added.

“We’re going to help you, okay?” Thomas added, sitting next to the Logical side.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Virgil spat, threading a needle. 

“Virgil!” Thomas hissed. Logan swallowed nervously, watching as Virgil started stitching his wound.

“I conducted an experiment shortly after the misuse of the word ‘infinitesimal’... to determine if physical pain and emotional pain had an effect on one another and… my results concluded that  _ was  _ the case, that physical pain dulled emotional pain, so, logically, I inflicted physical harm upon myself to extinguish the feelings associated to my mistake: Embarrassment, self-hatred, anger.”

“Oh, God, I’ve been teasing you about that for weeks!” Patton suddenly cried, his hands flying to his mouth. He broke down completely, his sobs wracking his body as he took in the information Logan had just given them.

“Patton-”

“I-I’m so sorry, Logan!” Patton moved to stand, and Logan panicked.

“No!” Logan cried, ripping his arm from Virgil’s grip and throwing his arms around Patton before the Moral side could duck out, which proved to be a mistake when his vision blurred and faded to black.

* * *

_ “...so sorry, Logan… should have been more sensitive… forgive me...” _

Logan groaned as he blinked his eyes open, only to find himself staring at a ceiling that wasn’t his. His was black with glow in the dark stars. This one was almost peach in colour.

“Logan?! Oh my god, Logan, don’t- don’t sit up, I’ll get you a drink!”

“Patton…?” Logan blinked several times before forcing himself up into a sitting position. He winced at the pain in his wrist and looked down, shocked to see criss-cross stitches holding his wound together.

“I told you not to sit up! You could have ripped your stitches!” Patton cried when he came back. Logan looked up at him.

“Patton, you look horrendous! Have you slept?”

“Sure I have, Lo.” Patton lied, not a smile in sight. “You need to drink something, please…”

“Patton.”

“Please.” Patton pleaded, pushing a glass into Logan’s hand. Logan sighed and drank, to satisfy Patton, then passed the glass back. “I took your cog, by the way, and the other ones in your room… A-and some other stuff you could hurt yourself with. J-just until I know you’re safe…”

“Patton, I know what you’re thinking. This was not your fault.”

“I was the only one who joked about it, Lo, and everytime I joked, you hurt yourself.”

“Because I assumed it was the logical thing to do. I see now that it is not, and had I known this would happen, I would not have done it.” Logan told him. “But you were unaware of what I was doing, thus you cannot consider yourself responsible. You are only responsible for it if you are aware of the situation and allow it to happen anyway, or if you directly cause an event. Since you weren’t the one who held the blade to my skin, you cannot be the one responsible. You are not responsible for my unhealthy reactions to your jokes.”

“Lo…” Patton choked up, burying his face in his hands before lunging at Logan, hugging him tight. “Never, ever hurt yourself again… Please…”

“I won’t. I feel the results were not accurate anyway, having only one subject partake. Not that I would repeat it. You could say the number of individuals who partook in my experiment was… infinitesimal.” Logan smiled. Patton chuckled through his tears, wiping at his eyes.

“Dad joke.”

“Only for you, Patton.”

* * *

When Logan returned to his room a few hours later, after Patton, Roman and Virgil trusted him not to hurt himself, he couldn’t help but smile at the small hand-made model of the solar system on his desk, made with pipe cleaners and painted polystyrene balls. He picked up the post-it note attached to the earth.

_‘Sorry your solar system broke. How on_ ** _Earth_** _that happen? I guess you didn’t_ ** _planet_** _to happen! Maybe you needed more_ ** _space_** _on your desk! Anyway, I made you a new one! Love you! - Patton x’_


End file.
